Saturday, December 8, 2012
The Rare and Elusive Crib Soiler
What we have here, friends, is evidence of my madness. If you look closely, you can see that the green laundry hamper contains crib bumpers, crib sheets, a crib mattress cover, and a crib pad. Oh, and pajamas. Why, you might ask? Because this (minus the bumpers- today apparently was a special treat) is what my laundry machine and I have been doing every single day for the past two weeks. I don't know when my son decided to become an exhibitionist, but it seems that whenever we put him down for a nap or down for the night, he gets angry, strips himself naked and pees all over the crib. Either that, or he thinks it's really, really funny. I heard him making noises this morning around 7:30, so I go upstairs, open his door, and find a naked baby laying in a pool of urine. I was thoroughly grossed out, and irrationally angry because he managed to pee all over the crib bumpers as well. (I'm sure all of you veteran mamas know just how much FUN it is to remove the bumpers from the crib, stuff them in your washing machine and dryer, and re-attach them to the crib). Here's the real kick in the ass-last night Will and I took preventative measures to ensure the pee tsunami wouldn't happen again. We traded Tony's two-piece pajamas for a pair of fleece, zip-up footie pajamas, thinking they would be much more difficult to remove. Nope. Clearly our child is miles ahead of Will and I when it comes to determination.
I'm at a loss, and my poor hands are actually becoming dry and chapped from doing so much laundry. I am open to all suggestions, and if any of them actually work I will fall down and kiss your feet. Normally I would offer up my firstborn as a sacrifice, but I'm guessing no one will want him after reading this post. But seriously, help. Please help. I'm slowly but surely reaching the end of my rope in terms of patience, I've done more crib laundry these past couple of weeks than one person should ever have to do in 3 months, and short of strapping a chastity belt on the kid or buying stock in Dreft detergent, I have no idea where to go from here. I already tried asking my mom for help, thinking SURELY my brother pulled a stunt like this when he was a baby, but no. Apparently even my brother (you know, the one who yelled "SOMEONE HELP ME! THIS WOMAN IS A STRANGER! SHE'S NOT MY MOTHER!!!" when my mom refused to buy him candy at the grocery store) skipped this oh-so-special milestone as a toddler.
Just in case I haven't made my point...help. Help, help, help, help, help!!!! That is all.